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Attracting an ex back into your life can be quite difficult in its own right but it’s only heightened in the case of an ex who is avoidant. Understandably, you’re uncertain of what to do or not to do which is why I think it’s imperative that you consider my advice on how to re-attract an avoidant ex because I’ve done so before.
Someone who has an anxious or avoidant attachment style will often experience overwhelming fear and pressure in romantic relationships. They need extreme control and when things seem to be progressing at a pace that is beyond their current level of comfort, it’s possible for them to run away from you or the relationship.
Here’s what you need to know on how to re-attract an avoidant ex. Don’t chase him or her because it will scare them off, don’t bring them up on social media, let them do most of the calling and texting, let them facilitate dates and don’t bring up the conversation of a relationship first.
If you can manage to implement the advice above into your behavior, I’m willing to bet that it will exponentially improve your chances of re-attracting an avoidant ex.
I’d also like to add that no contact can be extremely effective at working on an avoidant ex because it gives them the ultimate form of silence they crave.
Sometimes, even more so than they can handle.
It will kill a lot of their initial anxiety that triggers avoidance which may provide a sense of clarity on what they want and how they really feel about you.
Let’s take a deeper look into each of these tips on how to re-attract an avoidant ex so that you understand how to implement them into real-life situations.
Related post: He blocked me, will he come back?
Don’t chase him or her
One of the easiest ways to chase someone out of your life for good is to chase them when they display signs of avoidance and commitment issues.
Everything your brain may interpret as helpful in facilitating a new relationship may be interpreted to an avoidant ex as overwhelming and pressurizing.
You have to work with their fear of commitment and insecurities, rather than against it.
Granted, someone can only overcome their own issues if they want to but there are things that you can do to influence them or the situation.
When you’ve been dumped or broken up with, it’s never a good idea to chase your ex and love bomb unless they left you because of a lack of effort on your part.
This behavior will only drive them away because they have created a narrative of not wanting to be in a relationship with you anymore.
Fighting for a relationship with them will only make them rebel against you even more.
The only way to reassert your value is to give them what they want.
I’ve come to realize that you people of value do not have to prove their worth to others.
The act of proving or earning validation instantly puts the other person in a position of superiority over you.
This is not fruitful or healthy in romantic relationships and would be counterproductive to establishing a healthy connection.
For this reason, don’t chase your avoidant ex.
Give them exactly what they want to reduce their fears, anxieties, insecurities and unhelpful narratives about you or a relationship with you.
Related post: Never chase a girl who dumped you
The last thing you want to do is talk about your ex or share things that may be construed as dramatic because it will only drive them further away.
You must keep in mind that an avoidant ex is currently avoiding any and all forms of stress, pressure and drama.
By sharing what happened in the relationship, how upset you are or how desperately you want him or her back with others or on social media, it’s going to trigger your ex to run for the hills and avoid you.
I suggest not sharing anything overly personal on social media.
If it’s something related to the breakup or how you feel, try to give it a positive spin.
By doing this, your ex will not view or perceive you as someone who is going to react negatively or overly emotional to him or her if they return.
This can be really attractive to them and encouraging if your goal is to re-attract your ex.
Related post: Should I block my ex on social media?
Let them do most of the calling and texting
To chase after an ex who dumped you or is avoiding a relationship with you is a waste of time because it devalues your worth.
We could compare this behavior to rewarding your ex for choosing to leave you or treating you with disrespect.
If an avoidant ex is afraid of too much contact or too serious of a relationship, give him or her the exact opposite.
Let your avoidant ex get what they want but more.
Don’t give him or her the luxury of knowing you miss them or want them back. Let them sit with the silence and the result of their behavior until reality hits.
One of two things will happen, your avoidant ex will contact you or they’ll leave altogether because they realize that the decision they made was the right one for them.
Either way, you don’t have to do anything nor do you have to waste your time trying to win them back.
For this reason, I implore you to use the no contact rule with the intention of moving on.
If your avoidant ex comes back, great.
If they don’t, that’s fine because you’ll be focusing on making peace with the past while moving forward.
Related post: Does no contact work? (answered)
Let them facilitate dates
Let’s assume that your avoidant ex is back in the picture and texting you.
It may be tempting to fall back into old ways or to push the romance ahead but I would actually caution you against that.
It’s not your duty to fix what they broke by ending the relationship and tossing you aside.
Just because they’re back doesn’t mean that you have to bend over backward for them.
On the contrary, they need to prove that they’re in this for the long halt and that they value the relationship before you start meeting them halfway.
Until then, they must bring up getting together and courting you back into a relationship.
Your ex can’t be avoiding your or a relationship if they’re pursuing you, now can they?
Don’t bring up the conversation of a relationship first
Whenever someone attempts to re-attract an ex, despite having a ferocious desire to make it a reality, there is a great deal of disbelief in it coming to fruition which is why you feel so anxious when initiating no contact.
When that avoidant ex enters the picture again and seems interested in you, the shock and excitement can affect your ability to be calm, composed and confident.
You may want to lock them down as quickly as possible because it feels like this is your one and only chance to do so.
But, trust me, it will not be to your benefit.
What you want to do is remain slightly hesitant and at arm’s length.
Keep in mind, it was neither effort nor chasing or begging that reattracted your avoidant ex.
Most of the time, it was the silence and inaction that made them miss you to the point of getting back into contact with you.
Take things extremely slow and do not even bring up the topic of a relationship.
In fact, I would even advise you not to waste your time by chit-chatting with your ex when they initiate conversation.
Keep it short and sweet.
Only invest in the conversation if they bring up the breakup and explain that they feel different, made a mistake or want to try again.
This completely eradicates the possibility of being viewed as needy or desperate.
In conclusion
An avoidant ex can be tricky to deal with because they’re easily scared off which is why I encourage you to focus on getting centered and composed before even entertaining the idea of getting him or her back.
At the end of the day, the only person you can control is yourself.
I think you would benefit from using the no contact or taking it extremely slow when your ex gets in contact with you.
Be the one to take things slow and trust that if things are meant to work out, your avoidant ex will find his or her way back to you.
If they don’t, then you’ll find yourself one step closer to meeting your next partner who may turn into a lifelong lover.
With that being said, I hope you found this article on how to re-attract an avoidant ex to be practical and insightful. If you would like to share your questions or thoughts on this subject with me, please do so by visiting the comment section below.
FAQs
How do I attract my avoidant ex back? ›
The first thing that you want to do in order to re-attract your dismissive avoidant ex, is to back away and give them the time and the space. That can be really difficult for the anxious preoccupied to do because they are often triggered and their anxiety is going all over the place.
Will my avoidant ex ever reach out? ›The truth is, we've found that most exes who are avoidant will usually not reach out to an ex on their own accord because it usually triggers two things within them; A feeling of trauma and vulnerability that they aren't comfortable with.
How do I reconnect with an avoidant? ›- Be patient. ...
- Create an atmosphere of safety. ...
- Respect cultural differences. ...
- Try to understand how they view 'needs' ...
- Avoid controlling their behaviors. ...
- If possible, offer alone time. ...
- Try not to interrupt their space.
Though it's impossible to determine a precise timeframe for a fearful avoidant ex to come back, our average success story unfolds five to seven months after beginning our coaching. That's usually with dismissive avoidant exes.
Do avoidants ever want you back? ›We have found that on average a fearful avoidant will not initiate a reconnection with you. However, there is a window of time where they do consider it and if you time it right you can get them to come back if that's what you want.
What brings an avoidant back? ›If you want to get back together with a fearful avoidant, avoid doing or saying anything to make their anxiety worse. The goal is to make them feel safe around you, so remember to be calm, kind, and upbeat. Speak to them in a soothing tone of voice. Point out the silver lining when something bad happens.
Does my avoidant ex think about me? ›Yes, the dismissive avoidant misses you, but they miss you later on. In the beginning they're going to be relieved that they have their freedom. They can get their independence back and they get to go and do what they want to do without having to answer any questions to anybody.
Does no contact work with an avoidant ex? ›If you were to go no contact with them, they're going to automatically assume you are leaving them just like everybody else. I have coached many people who feel that exact same way that have the dismissive avoidant style. So you have a much better chance of getting them back if you were to keep things light.
Do Avoidants come back after distancing? ›Nevertheless, if you do give them enough time and they enter this longing stage this is often where you are most likely to get them back. But don't expect them to reach out and ask for you back. Remember, avoidants prefer phantom exes over real ones.
Do Avoidants care if you leave them? ›At first an avoidant will go through this period of separation elation and often won't feel your loss until they perceive that you have moved on. At that point they start to reminisce and could potentially start caring if you leave.
Do Avoidants leave when they love you? ›
They're generally not loyal to stay through the tough times and are likely to leave when you need them most (until they develop enjoyment in the sense of value and purpose that caregiving can provide, avoidants are more likely to leave when there are new children or when their partner has a serious illness, for example ...
How do you know if an avoidant is done with you? ›It's if it's been at least six months and that person hasn't even tried to contact you, they don't like anything on your social media, they don't care about your life, chances are it is done. They don't want anything else to do with you, as far as romantically.
Do avoidants process breakups later? ›Intriguingly, avoidant attachers may only repress their upset and distress in the direct aftermath of a breakup. In contrast to anxious attachers, who typically brood and focus on why a relationship ended when it initially happens, avoidant attachers may only do so after considerable time has passed.
Does an avoidant ex want you to chase them? ›“They don't want to be chased. They want to be loved. Above that, they want to be understood.” Avoidants are often misunderstood as being selfish, conceited, and uncaring.
How long does it take for an avoidant to miss you? ›So, usually right around 2.5 months is when the first signs of an ex missing you start to fall through but it's a delicate tightrope you are forced to walk. Any type of overly anxious behavior can actually trigger an avoidant again and then it's as if the clock starts all over.
How do you get your avoidant ex to miss you? ›Turns out the best way to make a dismissive avoidant miss you is to simply give them space and project that you are moving on from them. This is actually why we've seen longer periods of no contact (45 days) be extremely effective with DA's.
Will avoidant ex come back after no contact? ›Does no contact work with an avoidant ex? - Quora. In the sense that you ignore them for a while and they pop up again later— Yes. They sometimes come back. But in the case of avoidants, they're usually just done with it, feeling relief, celebrating their freedom, and moving on pretty quickly.